There is a coup taking place in high security space. The factions have a new protector, and that protector is CONCORD. The coup is taking place with subtlety, although the Capital Munitions Division for Corporate Espionage has obtained valuable intelligence concerning the terms of the coup, which I list here. The driving force behind the coup is CONCORD’s new code of conduct. The details of the code of conduct are:
- Capsuleers in high security space will only be allowed to tell the same joke for 3 years. Any capsuleer alliance telling the same joke since December 29,2012 20:40 of the Halaima calendar will be required to purchase a ganking permit from CONCORD.
- Capsuleer leaders whose groups operate in high sec will only be allowed to bitch and moan about the Council of Interstellar Management for one year. After said year, if the tears include boycotting a CSM summit, capsuleers associated with said leader will be required to purchase a ganking permit in order to operate in highsec.
- The price of the ganking permit is classified top secret and will remain so.
- Points of sale and identifying information of CONCORD sales agents are classified top secret.
- Attacking miners and haulers in highsec without a permit will require capsuleer groups to provide 33% more morons.
- A moron is defined by CONCORD as a capsuleer incapable of ship-to-ship engagement with any other capsuleer who pilots his ship without the use of autopilot and who actually reacts to hostile aggression. Morons are also incapable of switching from one joke to another, even after years of trying, and not only do they think their joke is funny for years on end, but they think other capsuleers think their joke is funny.
- All Bowhead and Orca pilots are automatically authorized to work as re-education officers of CONCORD’s Code of Conduct. As such, these pilots will no longer be required to activate defensive protocols in order to be completely impervious to moron attack. (explained in point 8)
- CONCORD is applying entosis technology in new areas. A new brand of entosis technology has been developed by a mysterious figure known only as “CCP Fozzie”. Fozzie developed entosis link technology as a counter to the cybersymbiotic defensive shield networks created by the Amarr Empire for defense against Drifters and Circadian Seekers. When capsuleer groups in nullsec began to apply this shielding technology to make their criminal networks impossible to attack, entosis technology was developed to neutralize these invulnerability networks. CONCORD is distributing a modified brand of entosis technology to capsuleers enabling them to subconsciously control the nano fibers of their ship hulls without paying conscious attention.
- Use of the advanced entosis technology described in point 8 above will enable Bowhead and Orca pilots to devote all of their attention to activities such as managing markets and creating quality social environments for their corporation employees. While their ships are on autopilot they will be further enabled to devote 100% of their attention to informing moron capsuleers about what a funny joke is, how long jokes are capable remaining funny, and how important it is to cooperate with the Council of Interstellar Management and its organizers.
We can see from the obtained information concerning this secret CONCORD program that all civilized authorities in New Eden are unified in their commitment to ensuring that the galactic community of capsuleers works with them to facilitate aiding James315 and other similar capsuleer groups (sometimes called goons rather than morons) in finding a new joke. 10,000 years of study of human sociology allows us to predict with extraordinary reliability that groups of morons will not be able to find a new joke. However, we can at least be comforted that recent advances in capsuleers’ ability to cybernetically control their spaceships’ defensive capabilities will ensure that CONCORD’s plan of requiring ganking permits of all moron pilots who are unable to concoct a new joke after three years will be enforceable.
Early intelligence contains a date of 9 March of this year (Halaima calendar) as the start date of CONCORD’s new code of conduct. It is therefore urged that all Bowhead and Orca pilots take active steps to prepare for their new roles as ungankable shepherds of New Eden’s morons and to work proactively with CONCORD in order to hasten the christening of the new code. While the details concerning the ganking permits are classified, operatives from Capital Munitions can obtain them and provide them to gankers at a price of 100 million ISK, payable to Capital Munitions. Permits will be delivered by contract at an undisclosed time after payment is received. Spread the word!